the ch!cktionary

July 4th in Europe

Today, I am:

• watching Kennedy get her first tattoo (we’ve been counting down for weeks!)
  
• flying to London to rendezvous with the Guy
  
• getting hammered
• having hot, hot drunken sex

Happy birthday, America!

Boys

I started talking to Kennedy last night about old hook-ups and exes. I was working on this piece about Patrick when for some reason, I thought of the last serious crush I had and I realized it was on this guy from a year ago who I never ever think about anymore. I used to whine about him ALL the time and hold him up as an example of all that is wrong with my love life. I’m pretty sure I haven’t mentioned him for months now.

Anyway, I really liked him based off an initial date and some hot-and-heavy makeout sessions. As it turns out, he was cheating on one of my friends with me. (Didn’t realize they were together.) Now, in retrospect, he seems like such a … BOY. Not that Patrick is a particularly mature 28-year-old or anything (if he were, I honestly don’t think I’d be dating him) but he’s certainly man enough to, you know, not cheat. He may be stoic and cold, but he’s also direct and willing to tell it like it is instead of sneaking around. I realize, of course, that cheating isn’t exactly restricted to college kids. Still, I can’t help but consider those who cheat (or at least those who get caught at it) totally spineless and emotionally immature for not being able to just come clean about relationship anxieties in the first place. Thus, what a BOY.

Last night, I also randomly IMed a girl who used to date a guy who used to cheat on her with me. (Again, didn’t realize he had a girlfriend.) And from her account, this 26-year-old hasn’t grown up very much and is STILL two-timing and lying.

Seriously, people. If you’re old enough to be doing your own taxes, you’re old enough to be informing your significant other that you’re banging someone younger and Asian. Grow the fuck up.

Hmm, and you know what’s funny? With all this ex-bashing in this entry, it’s just occurred to me that I can’t remember the last guy I was involved with who I respected. And I don’t mean respected in the aftermath of the relationship. I mean, respected during the relationship. Or hookup. Maybe my ex Daniel, whose company I still enjoy from afar (hi Daniel!), but even he was a Republican. Ick.

Hmm.

Things I make fun of Patrick for:

• Being German
• Being old
• Graduating from Yale
• Listening to German rap and techno
  
• Wearing shirts with rhinestones on them
  
• Caring too much about his hair

Things Patrick makes fun of me for:

• Being judgmental

Yummm, baby gravy.

This article by Jenna B is the reason why I constantly call semen “baby gravy.” It drives Patrick crazy but I don’t care. “Ew, there’s baby gravy is leaking out of me!” “Is that baby gravy on the comforter?” “Your baby gravy tastes funny, honey.” I’m pretty sure I told him I picked up the term from general slang usage. No, false. Confession: I totally stole it off Jenna, who might as well have popularized the term for all the world in my book.

Also, in the above piece, she calls me “a brilliant, bubbly, take-no-shit chick with a taste for Amaretto and older men”. Although I no longer drink, I am proud to say that I do suck 28-year-old cock.

I think we can all agree that last sentence was unnecessary. Oh well.